


Not about you

by astrangebird



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb and his complicated relationship with children, Gen, Team as Family, mostly me crying about how small Luc is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-23 21:42:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20232853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrangebird/pseuds/astrangebird
Summary: Nott wants to see Luc and wants Luc to see her.





	Not about you

**Author's Note:**

> So this was part of something else and got cut to the side and morphed and grew legs of its own. It definitely wasn't supposed to be this long or this rambly but here it is. It's probably not very coherent but I just don't want to look at it anymore.

Another month had past since the Nein had left Yeza and Luc in Nicodranas. Nott was growing restless to see them again and had dove into the bottle hard one night while they were camping. Caleb has just brought the bubble up and was sitting down to reread a number of books he had tucked into the bag of holding, hoping that a second pass might illuminate some secret he had yet to discover regarding Nott’s particular predicament when she comes stumbling through the dome with her flask in hand splashing a page of the book he had just opened as she barrels into his lap.

“Caaaaleb!” Nott slurs into his chest, “Caleb I wanna go back!”

“Good gods Nott, you smell like a whole brewery! How much have you been drinking?” 

“Started as soon as we got on the cart.” She says, ending with a hiccup.

“Nott that was at noon, it is nearly nightfall!” Caleb chastises, taking hold of her by the shoulders to look her in eye. Her slitted pupils flex wildly to focus on him in the dim light of the dome.

“I wanna see my boy!” Nott cries out, tears forming in her eyes as she reaches for his face. She covers one of his eyes with her small hand and the tears slip free. “You have the same eyes.”

Caleb frowns at the reminder, a stab of guilt and jealousy and other weird and nebulous emotions run through him. But he pushes those down, it’s not about him.

“Nott, we can go back any time you like. You just have to give me time to prepare the spell and gather materials.” 

“But I promised that the next time would be the last time, -hic- that I would be back forever.” 

Caleb hangs his head, a feeling of shame washing through him knowing that she thinks he is her only hope, that he isn’t powerful enough or smart enough to give her what she needs to be happy. His research has been leading him to believe that what she wants is possible, that there are many routes to take, but all of them extremely difficult and very far out of his grasp.

“I’m sorry, Nott. I don’t think I will be able to- to do what you have asked of me for a very long time. What you are looking for it- it- it is very powerful magics, and I-,“ He looks to her, her big golden eyes glassy and rimmed with red, he looks back down, “I’m not going to be strong enough for a long while.”

“Oh, Caleb I’m not upset with you.” She caps her flask and stows it away before wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him tight, “I-I just miss them, is all, I know you still have a lot of studying to do.”

For a moment Caleb can’t return her hug, his guilt is too heavy to move his arms through. 

_This isn’t about you._

With effort, he slings an arm around her back and gives a gentle pat. She sniffles into his hair and relaxes into him, wobbling a little before she locks her knees again.

“Why don’t you go to bed, Nott. We can talk in the morning, hopefully you will be a little more sober then, ja?” Caleb says, patting her back.

She pulls back from him and nods, already looking exhausted, eyes puffy from crying and face flushed from the drink. Caleb helps her lay out her bedroll and packs away all of his books except the one she got wet. She curls up on the edge of the bedroll and reaches out for Caleb, clawed fingers curling in a silent request. He hesitates, but only for a moment, and takes her hand in his, rubbing his thumb over her wrist. Her eyes are closed, but she smiles and grips his fingers. 

It doesn’t take long for Nott to fall asleep, her hand goes limp in his and a soft snore rumbles into fabric of her bedroll. Caleb slips his hand out of hers and tries to read again, though he isn’t sure he can tonight. Another moment passes and Beau pops her head in through the side of the bubble.

“Hey!” She whispers, louder than necessary as always, “Are you two done in here? Is she asleep?”

“What?” Caleb asks.

“I peaked in earlier and you two were having a ‘moment’,” She quotes with her hands, “So I kept everyone else out until you were done.”

“Oh!” Caleb shrunk at his own loud noise and hung his head in embarrassment, “Ja, she’s asleep.”

“Ok.” She leans a bit out of the dome before leaning back in, “So is it cool to have everyone else come in?”

“Ja, everything is fine.” He catches Beau’s eyes again, she doesn’t really believe him, but gives him one of her half smiles and step back out of the dome to grab the others.

Soon the dome is filled with the quiet breaths of his sleeping companions, and, well, Beau and Caduceus’ rattling snore. Caleb volunteers for first watch, too wound up to sleep quite yet, and Jester volunteers to stay up to keep him company. Only fifteen minutes into the watch Caleb decides against rereading that book, he was getting nowhere with it anyway, he kept reading the same paragraph over and over again not really absorbing the words. So he set it down and aparated Frumpkin in his lap. The cat preens under his attention and rolls onto his back, demanding belly rubs, which Caleb happily gave. Frumpkin has simple needs, things he knew how to fix, problems he can solve. 

The three of them sat in silence for a while, just the sound of their friends sleeping, Frumpkin purring, and the scratch of Jester’s pencil in her sketchbook. He took a quiet comfort in the weight of Jester’s back pressed against his and Frumpkin on his legs. And it was nice to camp under the stars again, the darkness a comfortable blanket to keep his thoughts in.

“Nott seemed pretty upset tonight.” Jester whispered, breaking the silence.

“J-ja, she was.” He looks down into his lap, staring at the pattern of Frumpkin’s fur, “She misses her boy.”

“I miss my mama.” Jester was quiet for a moment, and Caleb didn’t think of his mother too, “I’m glad that Yeza and Luc are there to keep her company, you know, when she’s not working.”

Caleb makes a noncommittal noise of agreement, unsure what he can offer as far as assurances goes.

“She want’s to go back to Nicodranas, doesn’t she.” Jester says, not really a question.

“Ja, but she also doesn’t want to go back until I-,” He breaks off, unsure how much he wants to share, how much is his to share, “U-until she is a halfling again.” He curls in on himself a little, clutching Frumpkin to his stomach, “She wants it to be forever, when- when she goes back.”

“It’s going to be a while before we can figure something out, right?”

“Mhmm.”

“I think she should go back anyway.” Jester says, determination rising in her voice. “I think, I mean, Yeza is ok with her being a goblin, right? So I think Luc could be too. I mean, it’s still her, she just looks a little different.”

“Try telling that to her. She thinks herself a monster, looking the way she does.”

“I think I will!” Jester exclaims, a little loud for the quiet of the dome. To his right Caduceus snorts and rolls away from the two of them. Behind him he can hear Beau mumble something, slurred and unintelligible, before her snore picks back up again. To his left Nott doesn’t so much as twitch in her drunken slumber. Jester giggles quietly, shaking Caleb in the process. 

Caleb smiles, a secret little thing in the darkness, happy to know that Nott has so many supportive friends. He looks down on her, sprawled across her bedroll, mouth hanging open to expose her sharp and misaligned teeth, her hand still outstretched in his direction. He can’t imagine someone not accepting her, she’s so kind and smart and brave. A far better person than he is for sure. But she’s green and sharp and a little scary to look at so people reject her before they can see how amazing she is.

Jester moves behind him and rests her cheek on his shoulder, the curve of her horn gently pressing at his neck as her arms snake around his waist. He tenses in her embrace, after all this time still not expecting people to be physically affectionate with him.

“Don’t be sad, Caleb. We will figure it out together.” She squeezes him tighter and Frumpkin mewls at the disturbance of his sleeping spot, “That’s what friends are for, we help each other.”

“I just hope it will be enough.” 

Jest holds onto him for a while longer, he doesn’t hug her back but he lightly rests his hand on her arm and he feels that she understands.

—

In the morning when the dome has disappeared Caleb wakes up Nott. Her eyes are a bit puffy and she definitely has a hangover, but she at least waits until after breakfast to sneak a swig from her flask. Once on the road Jester volunteers to take the reins of the cart for the first leg of the trip and pulls Nott along with her up to the front. Nott looks back at Caleb with a confused expression as she takes her seat and Caleb just shrugs at her. He never truly knows what Jester is planning even if he’s in on it.

They stay up there for a long time, talking quietly as Jester steers the horses. Caduceus attempts to serve them tea but Jester shoos him away, claiming it was girl time and he wasn’t allowed at the front of the cart. Looking a little deflated he returns to the side with Caleb and holds his two cups, looking a little unsure of what to do with them since he was turned away. 

“Guess it’s my turn.” Beau grumbles, taking the tea and heading up front.

“Ok it’s not girl time it’s secret detective duo time leave us alone!” Jester shouts as Beau leans back away from the front of the cart.

“Fine! Jeez! Just trying to be nice!” Beau shouts back as she takes her seat next to Fjord, handing him one of the two cups so she can pick up her own and pour the last of it into the fresh tea. 

“Just let her go, she’s going do what she wants to do.” Fjord sighs, taking a drink from the second cup.

“I was just trying to be nice.” Beau grumbles.

“Well maybe you can take over for the next stretch and be nice then.”

“Whatever.” Beau slumps in her seat, holding her cups on her knees.

Over the next hour or so Nott glances back at Caleb, only for a second, sometimes catching his eye, sometimes avoiding it. At some point she disappears behind the edge of the cart while Jester continues speaking quietly into her lap. Another hour of travel and Jester pulls the cart off to the side, calling out for a group stretch break. The cart empties out but Jester stays in her seat. Caleb walks to the front of the cart and something warm and sharp clenches in his chest at the sight of Nott curled into Jester’s lap as she pets her hair. Jester looks over to Caleb, a soft but mischievous smile on her lips.

“We’re going to Nicodranas when we’re done with this mission.” She says confidently.

“Oh?” Caleb questions, but a smile pulls at his lips despite himself.

“Ya. We’re gonna go see Luc.” Jester smiles down at Nott, drawing her fingers through her hair.

“Ah. Well. Next town we stop in I will make sure to stock my reserves.” Caleb says, patting at his pockets and packs to remember how much he has, a happy little bubble growing in his chest.

“Can you take her now? I really have to pee.” Jester sends him a pleading look as she tries to shuffle out from under Nott.

Caleb carefully scoops her into his arms and Jester bolts into the woods. She stirs and clutches at his coat, mumbling something into the fabric as he lays her down in the pile of bedding in the back of the cart. 

“Caleb?” She mumbles, blinking her bleary eyes up at him. 

“Guten Morgen,” He whispers, kissing her temple, “I hear we are going south soon?”

“Y-yeah. Yeah. We’re going south.” She curls up in the blankets, hiding like a cat.

“Gut. I’m glad.” Caleb says with a smile, brushing some hair back from her face, “And Nott?”

She looks up at him, eyes bright but with a line of worry across her brow.

“We will be with you, every step of the way. No matter what happens, you won’t be alone.” He pauses, thinking over his next words carefully, “A-and I will still keep looking for a solution, even if everything goes better than we could hope for. I will do that for you.”

A soft smile pulls at Nott’s lips like she’s trying to keep it to herself before she buries herself in the blankets again, eyes just peaking out from between the folds, “Thank you, Caleb.”

“Anytime,” He says, pulling the edge of a blanket up over her, “Anything, anytime.”

Once a proper stretch break has been had and Beau takes her place at the helm Jester squishes herself up next to Caleb. He tries to scoot to the side to give her room but she takes his hand in hers. He looks at their hands and then back up at her. 

“You don’t have to work on it alone, Caleb.” She squeezes his hand, “We are all here for Veth. We’re going to fix it together.”

Caleb starts at hearing her name. He wants to pull back his hand, to deny her help, but it’s not about him, not really. It’s about Veth.

“Ok.” He concedes, looking down into his lap, “Ok.”

Jester squeezes his hand again and the lets it go, scrambling to the front of the cart to lean over the edge to talk to Beau. He watches her for a moment, smiling and laughing with Beau, her tail lashes back and forth like an excitable cat ready to pounce on a field mouse. He wonders if she knows how much he appreciates her, that she managed to change Nott’s mind on something so vital, so personal, something he didn’t think she would budge on for anything less than a miracle. He’s sure she knows.

—

The Menagerie Coast greets them with its sunbaked beaches and screeching gulls as it always does, pristine and inviting and warm, the perfect backdrop for possibly heartbreaking reunions. But Nott wanted to be honest with her boy, was desperate to see him, hold him, anything. She had decided to confront the issue head on, to tell Luc that she was goblin. She wanted him to know, truly know that she was there, a goblin or not. 

The reunion was difficult, Luc was a smart boy but he was still only a boy. The first day he had hid in a closet and wouldn’t come out until Yeza brought him dinner, but he insisted on eating inside the threshold of the closet even if Yeza made him keep the door open. The second day went better, everyone who could magically disguise themselves took turns showing him the tricks and many forms they could take to help explain why his mother could look the way he remembered but not all the time. He still wouldn’t let her touch him but he didn’t hide amongst the coats anymore. It was exhausting work, every spell that could be spent was spent, whether it was for an illusion or to polymorph or even something more exciting like conjuring fire or water to show the range of wonderful things that magic can accomplish. Fjord, though a little short on magic these days, spoke in every accent he had to compensate, calling upon Vandran’s accent, copying dock workers he’s heard, even mimicking Yeza a time or two. That at the very least got a laugh out of Luc, hearing his father’s small and quiet voice coming from such a large man. On the third day, without letting go of Yeza’s shirt, Luc finally reached out to touch Nott’s hand. Veth’s hand. His mother’s hand. He still kept his distance most of the time, but didn’t run from her anymore. 

By the end of the week Caleb had come upstairs looking to study to find Luc cradled in Nott’s lap, face buried in the folds of her dress as he slept peacefully. Nott rocked her boy gently, carding her fingers through his messy brown hair, wearing the brightest smile on tear stained cheeks as he approached. There was something about seeing Nott, Veth, green and sharp, holding this precious boy in her arms that filled Caleb with joy and… something warm, like coming inside from the snow knowing there’s a cup of hot cocoa waiting for you. Whatever it was he hadn’t felt it in a long time. 

Studying could wait, he decided, sitting on the floor with Nott. She smiles at him with all her teeth, jagged and sharp, a quiet breathy laugh leaking out of her when she looks back down at Luc. It’s here that Caleb sees how small he really is. He had gotten used to Nott and her smallness. Her hands were dwarfed in his whenever he took hold of them, her head only came to his hip and she could just tap him on the shoulder if she stood on her toes. But Luc, he was a different kind of small. He was small compared to Nott. He only came to _her_ waist. He was eye level with Caleb’s knees. 

Caleb very gently, as if he were made of glass, reaches over and runs his hand over Luc’s hair and marvels at how his entire head fits in the palm of his hand. He pulls his hand back, feeling almost overwhelmed by how fragile this child is, how unsafe he is in this dangerous world, how dangerous his own hands are against his tiny frame.

“Veth,” Caleb whispers, his own voice sounding unfamiliar in his ears, “He is so small.”

“You should have seen him when he was born,” She smiles so softly down at the boy, and Caleb hates the way he cringes at the sight of it, “You probably could have held him in just your cupped hands.”

Caleb looks down at his hands in his lap and holds them to form a bowl, imagining a whole halfling child curled up in his palms. 

“How-how can you leave him? Why do you come with us wh-when he is so _so_ small? I- you- how?“ Caleb cuts himself off, not sure what more he was going to ask. His hands are shaking and he doesn’t know why.

Nott is quiet from a moment, but when she answers there is a seriousness in her voice that reminds Caleb that this small woman is much more capable than him.

“The world is becoming a very dangerous place. It’s certainly too dangerous for him to come with us. We have a chance to make a difference, to make things better. I think we could make it safer for him. I want to make it safer.” She draws her fingers carefully through his hair again, a small sad smile on her face, “I also hope that the more we travel, the stronger we get, the more powerful _you_ become, the sooner I can be the mother he remembers. The sooner I can be me again.”

Caleb stares at the place where Nott’s green hand tangles in Luc’s brown hair, a quiet ghost of a memory of slim fingers running through his hair tickles at his scalp. He takes a deep breath and it shakes out of him like his very bones are rattling together. Something clicks in his mind, some key finding a lock or the resolute thump of a book being closed. 

“Veth I will do all that is in my power to return you to this boy.” Caleb say, quietly, but with more confidence than he has felt in a long while.

She looks up to him with those bright golden eyes, soft with affection he knows he hasn’t earned but takes it anyway.

“Whatever it takes, as long as it takes, I will make this right.” He takes Nott’s impossibly small hand in both of his and squeezes, “I will bring you back to him.”

“I know you will.” She smiles up at him bright as if the sun shines out of her skin, “I have complete faith in you.”

He leans down and presses his forehead into her’s, a still unfamiliar warmth filling his chest as she pushes her head up into his.

“I am glad you do because I don’t,” He says with a self deprecating smile, “I expect this to take far longer than either of us would like and we both may die before I figure it out.”

“At least I will know that you tried.” 

“For you, my dearest friend, I will try anything.”

Nott pulls back and pecks her lips to his forehead quick like a snake. Luc wriggles in her grasp, tiny hands clutching at the fabric of her dress as his brows draw together. He makes a soft noise, somewhere between a groan and a whimper, as he tucks his face into the boney crook of Nott’s arm. Nott looks down at him and gently brushes her thumb over his cheek and he sighs, brows relaxing again.

Nott flicks her eyes between her boys before whispering up to Caleb, “Could you carry him to bed, Caleb? I’m feeling a bit stiff from being on the floor for so long.”

“Wha- me? Carry him t-to bed?” Caleb stutters out, wringing his hands together.

“I know you aren’t very strong but the boy probably weighs at _most_ fifteen pounds.” She smiles slyly at him, adjusting her hold on Luc to make room for Caleb’s hands.

“Uhm, ah ja. S-sure.” Caleb says quietly as he kneels in front of Nott and carefully lifts Luc from her lap. 

Luc, a boy he knows to be about five years old, fits comfortably in his arms as if he were a newborn. Briefly he opens his eyes, a bright sky blue, and blinks up at Caleb. He makes a tired, grumpy noise and turns his face into Caleb’s chest. Caleb almost forgets that this is a boy who can have full conversations, runs fast and hugs hard, and not an infant. But his limbs are too long, too slender and developed to be a baby. His proportions are that of a boy, but halved and then halved again.

On numb legs he wanders over to the room that Yeza and Luc have been calling home and places him on a bed that could probably hold the entire Brenatto family and Nugget with room to spare. Caleb tucks the soft silk covers around Luc who quickly burrows deep into them, nearly pushing his head under his pillow. For a moment he sees the resemblance, remembers this boys burning curiosity and sharp eyes, the qualities Caleb so admires in his mother. But he also see the softness, the way Luc’s ridiculously small hands clutch at the blanket, the way he seeks out warmth and the darkness of his bedding, also like his mother.

He doesn’t know when he moved but he finds himself kneeling at the bedside, watching the boy sleep, his small mouth hanging open and only barely visible under his den of bedclothes. Some strange feeling, small and distant, grows bigger and bigger in his chest, welling up in him like foam from an ale until it overflows and he feels it spilling out of him. He thinks of home for the first time in ages, not of the burning, but of the rain. Of curling up in bed to the sound of thunder and the crackle of the hearth as the rain pattered on the roof, lulling him to sleep. He thinks of his mother pulling the blankets up over his shoulders and kissing his cheek before snuffing out the candle at his bedside. 

A hand touches his back, and then another. Nott has come to stand at his right and Yeza to his left and only now does he feel that his face is wet with tears that came unbidden and unimpeded. Caleb wipes a hand down his face in a rushed attempt at ridding himself of this desperate feeling and stands, backing away from the bed.

“Excuse me, I need to study.” He blurts, monotone and forced, rushing out of the room.

“Oooh Caleb, wait!” Nott calls in a hushed tone, but he is already on the move, he needs out of that room.

“Let him go, Veth, he’s gotta work it out.” Yeza whispers just as he’s entered the hallway.

He doesn’t go to the room he shares with Fjord and Caduceus, knows himself better than to attempt to read when tears continue to flow, ceaseless like a dam has broken somewhere deep inside him. Instead he finds himself on the front porch, nearly empty as the evening draws darker and the patrons crowd the bar. The air down here is heavy and wet, humid in a way it never was up in the north, and for that Caleb is grateful. At least this way he knows he’s still in the present.

He sits at the railing for a while with his face pressed between the slats and his legs hanging over the edge, he isn’t sure how long, he decided against counting for the time being. It was long enough for the tears to stop flowing and that was what mattered. He almost misses the quiet pad of socked feet on the wood as they approach him, nearly drowned out with the sound of music filtering through the door.

“Caleb.” Yeza says quietly, conversationally, trying not to sound like he’s talking to a cornered cat.

“Yeza.” Caleb replies, trying not to sound like a corned cat.

“I brought you a drink.” He says, holding the cup out to him around the railing.

“Danke.” He takes the cup and takes a gulp and nearly chokes when the taste of straight rum hits the back of his throat.

“Probably should have mentioned what kind of drink huh?” Yeza laughs, patting him on the back.

“Maybe!” Caleb says around a cough, “But thank you, Yeza. I will have to buy your next drink.”

“Don’t mention it, I get two free drinks a night thanks to Miss Lavorre.” 

“Hmm good deal.”

“It is.” There’s a comfortable silence as Yeza takes a drink from his own cup, listening to the upbeat music and the cackle of drunk well to do patrons from the bar. The sting of the drink helps bring Caleb back to now, and buzz helps to numb the anxiety. But he knows that Yeza didn’t come out here just to have a drink.

“Can I ask what happened earlier? With Luc?”

Caleb lets out a tired sigh, feeling it deep in his bones. 

“I don’t really know. He’s just… he’s so small Yeza. I’m used to adult halflings who are short but they still come up to my hip most of the time. But he is the size of an infant.” Caleb swirls the drink in his cup and watches it spin. “I am worried that he is in great danger, the both of you, really. But he-“ He looks at his hand and flexes his fingers, remembering how large they were in comparison to his tiny body, “He is very small, fragile, I worry for his safety.”

Yeza makes a thoughtful hum and takes another drink.

“Yeah they are pretty small when they’re young. He’ll probably shoot up in the next two or three years.” 

Caleb says nothing.

“Do you feel guilty, Mr. Caleb? Like you’re keeping her from him?” 

Caleb pulls back from the railing to look at Yeza. His face is kind as always, he looks like he’s finally gaining some weight. There is a gentleness to his words that makes him feel like it’s safe to answer.

“Yes. Incredibly. Every day.”

“I know you of all people won’t believe me but just know that you don’t have to feel that way.” He says with a warm smile before looking out toward the road where a hand full of carts and traveling performers meander in the last drops of sunlight.

“I know you and your group are here to help, that you’re going to try and get Veth her old body back. I also know that’s not your only mission, it’s not her only mission. She isn’t the assistant I had before the goblin attacks. She’s really come into her own. She’s way cooler than I am, that’s for sure.” Yeza laughs, a warm and tinkling sound, so fond it almost hurts to hear. But Caleb manages a small chuckle in response.

He almost jumps when a small calloused hand reaches over and rests on top of his, “I want to say thank you, Caleb. I really mean it. It means so much to me that you guys got her to come back and do what she did. Luc is a smart kid, he would have figured out that something was wrong sooner or later. I’m glad that it got to come out on her terms.” Yeza pulls away and rubs at his sideburns.

“She isn’t ready to come back anyway. She’s always scared of everything. I’m surprised she came here at all.” For a moment he looks thoughtful, hopeful, maybe it was pride. Caleb isn’t sure. “But whenever she does come back for good, I’m sure she’s going to be amazing.” 

Caleb taps his fingers on his glass.

“I will bring her back, the way you both remember her. I don’t know how I will do it or how long it will take, but I will do it. Luc deserves to have his mother.”

“I appreciate your dedication. Don’t know much about magic myself, but you’re a smart man, from what Veth says about you, I’m sure the two of you can figure it out.” 

“Danke…” Caleb says quietly into his cup.

“And don’t worry about the boy.” Yeza starts, finishing his drink and standing with a grunt, “He might look like me but he’s his mothers son. He’ll be alright.” 

Yeza puts a firm hand on Caleb’s shoulder and squeezes, a knowing smile on his soft features. He gives him a pat and a nod before turning and heading back into the Chateau, the music briefly swelling with the swing of the door.

Caleb stays outside, swirling the last gulp worth of rum around in his cup, watching the amber color reflect the lantern light across the porch. He still isn’t sure what came over him.

He thinks of the manticore, the horrible screams of the knolls and the beasts echoing roar. He knows where his mind is taking him and hates that he can’t stop it, can’t stop himself from remembering the flash of cold panic that swept through him at the sight of Nott’s unconscious form in the jaws of the beast. It’s here that he recognizes the feeling he had looking at Luc. It was panic, fear of loss, and a bone deep need to protect those he cares for. His mind finishes the memory, a near perfect recreation as if watching a play in the street. He sees the priest, a pyre before him, and remembers the absolute rage he felt knowing that Nott came close to death because of him, remembers the macabre glee of seeing him burned to death at his own hands before he slips away into that far off place in the past. There’s a strange horror at realizing he would do that again, for Nott, for this boy, for her boy, feel that rush of guilt and pain if it meant saving them.

He downs the final gulp of his drink and heads inside. He heads upstairs and passes by the Brenatto’s room where Yeza leans against the doorjamb, arms crossed watching the sleeping figures of his wife and child on the bed. Nott has herself curled around Luc and for a moment Caleb thinks that it might resemble the way he has wrapped himself around Nott on cold winter nights.

“You doin’ alright?” Yeza asks quietly, not looking away from the room.

“For now. Thank you.” Caleb responds hesitantly.

“You’re welcome.” Yeza sighs and looks to Caleb, a quiet, almost prideful look about him, “You’re a good man, Caleb. I’m glad Veth has a friend like you.”

Caleb blanches for a moment, not sure how to handle such praise. So he smiles uncomfortably and nods turning to continue down the hall to his room before stopping again and looking back to Yeza.

“I’ll do my best to protect your family Yeza, I promise.” Caleb says, resolute.

Yeza gives him a soft thoughtful smile, “It’s kind of _our_ family now, isn’t it?”

He feels the hair on the back of his neck stand up and a flash of heat wash down his spine. His instinct is to pull away and deny, deny himself something that he wants, but it’s not about him. Not really.

Caleb grabs at his arm and gives another awkward smile and nod, “Ja, I guess it is.”

“Good night, Caleb.” Yeza says quietly.

“Gute Nacht.” He replies and shuffles off to his room. 

Fjord and Caduceus haven’t come up to bed yet thankfully, so he has the room to himself for the moment. He methodically undresses and folds his travel clothes into a neat pile with his pack and dresses for bed. When he feels he has all his belongings sorted he takes out his book, his journal, to write for a while, hoping to unpack his tangled thoughts and ease himself for the night. 

He thinks about how brave his friend is, for all of their adventures and all of the dangerous things she’s done and being honest was the thing that scared her the most. But as always, she did it anyway. He hopes one day to be as brave as her, maybe if he sticks around with her and her… their family, he might gain some courage. 

Maybe in the morning he can reread his frantic ramblings and decipher something from them, but for tonight he just writes.


End file.
